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The Hot Chick /

Rated: PG-13

Starring: Rob Schneider, Rachel McAdams, Anna Faris, Andrew Keegan, Matthew Lawrence
Directed by: Tom Brady
Produced by: Carr D'Angelo, Jack Giarraputo, John Schneider
Written by: Rob Schneider, Tom Brady
Distributor: Touchtone Pictures

 

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Movie Image
Movie Image

The following is a fictional account of Rob Schneiderís disparity to be well-reviewed by critics:

Mr. Roger Ebert:

     Hello, my name is Rob Schneider. Youíve seen me in previous movies that youíve called stupid and ignorant, and I respect your criticism. But, I do have a new film coming out, and as you could guess, itís a comedy. It is called The Hot Chick. I know that you are the biggest critic on the planet, and I would love to receive a positive review from you. Youíve noted how much youíve admired my career on Saturday Night Live on several occasions, and you need to honor such by giving The Hot Chick three stars out of four, or higher, if you think itís even a tad funny. Since I am aware that this will get bad reviews, I would die for good criticism for you. (Expect a handsome paycheck in the mail, perhaps?) If and when you decide to grade my (hilarious) flick rightly (positively), and not let your ego get in the wayópeople will learn to respect the crappy-humor genre. After all, donít you think itís funny that Iíve actually attempted to make a movie about a snobby teenage girl, whoís been turned into an ugly, forty-something, thief of a man by a pair of cursed earrings? I will stay tuned for your commentary on The Hot Chick and a reply to my letter.

Best regards,
Rob Schneider

* * * 

Mr. Rob Schneider:

     If you want a good review, make a good movie. Not to say that pay isnít welcome, The Hot Chick is just too dreadful to recommend. But, for your mental sake, I have not rated it zero stars out of four. Iíve kindly blessed you with a well deserved half star. But, enough about you, letís talk about me.

     Over the years, youíve tortured me with your dastardly pieces of shit. I will pay you to stop, even though the sum that I can reward you with, is not nearly anywhere near the giant amounts you will make selling your stupid and godawful works to teenage minds.

Signing out; and noting how much I want to destroy your movie career,
Roger Ebert

* * *

     Maybe Ebert gave good Ďol Robby a half a star, but Iím giving him zero. The Hot Chick made me laugh twice, very briefly. This means I, roughly, enjoyed about twenty seconds out of an hour and forty-four minute movie. The rest of the duration was comprised of pure agony. Torturous enough? Hardly. This one is so bad, I could hardly believe it was released to mainstream audiences in actual movie theatres. On top of it all, it should be R-rated. The excessive amounts of potty humor, and endless shots of the tops of Rob Schneiderís hairy legs only make it worse. The Hot Chick is a ďcomedyĒ that never deserved to be made; plain and simple. I rest my case.

-Danny, Bucket Reviews

 


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