VOICE PHENOMENON. SUB-SECTION: WHITE NOISE—THE MOTION PICTURE.):
Danny Baldwin, the
beloved and ever-popular film critic for BucketReviews.com, died for unknown
reasons on January 9, 2004, after attending a screening of White Noise
at the AMC Wiegand Plaza 8 Cinemas. Scars on the face were found during an
autopsy, but Baldwin’s mother insisted that they were not from any type of
injuries sustained at the time of death. She claimed that they were results
of her constant squeezing of his many pimples and blackheads. The star of
White Noise, Michael Keaton, had wanted to read
take on the motion picture ever since it was completed and, as a result, he
felt compelled to determine the cause of the fifteen-year-old’s death.
Keaton decided that Electronic Voice Phenomenon, more commonly known as EVP
or White Noise, which his character in the fictional film used to
communicate with his deceased wife, would be the easiest way to come to a
conclusion about the death of one of film criticism’s greats. Keaton bought
a handy White Noise System for only $4,999.99 at the Local Wal Mart and got
cracking once he had it set-up by a trained professional. The following is a
transcription of an EVP recording that was captured at
2:51:54 PM (PST) on that
system on January 26, 2005 in Keaton’s home.
KEATON [into White Noise
Hello, is anyone there?
Who are you!? What did you do with Danny!?
I must find Daniel Spencer Baldwin! I need to know why he died!
DEAD MAN [Not Speaking
Danny, someone named Michael Keaton is on the White Noise Machine for you!
Danny, are you there!?
DANNY [through muffled
Yes, I am here. I am dead. I am White Noise. I am fuzzy. I cannot be easily
made out by humans. I am scary. I will kill you.
Danny, this is Michael Keaton. I just want to talk to you.
I may talk to you and I may not. I can do whatever I want. I am scary. I am
Now, listen here, you. Just tell me how you died and how you liked my movie
and I’ll be out of your way. Ignoring me is not necessary.
I don’t know how to put
this nicely, so I will be mean. Just like all dead people should be.
Uh-oh. What do you want to say to me that is mean?
Well, your movie is what killed me.
Okay, I can deal with you not liking it, but cut it with the figurative
I’m being literal and honest. It killed me. After the screening was over, I
went into the movie theatre bathroom, and passed on, never to return to the
planet Earth again, simply because of White Noise’s awfulness.
Seriously? So, I’m assuming you gave it zero buckets, unfortunately for me?
No, I’ll give you a break. It earns one; its slow pacing was a nice thing to
see in a mainstream movie. Then again, it did make the already agonizingly
boring material seem even more insufferable.
Well, a lot of people were scared by the trailer, so, they will probably be
scared by the movie, too.
Not me. I thought the trailer was shsacray and I haeeeeeeated ze mooovveee.
What was that? I’m picking up too little static on my White Noise Machine to
hear you. Damn thing!
Adjoost the dieeeal.
What was that? Did you mean to say: “Are you for real?” Of course I’m for
real. I’m Michael Keaton and White Noise marked my first big role in
like…a bazillion years. Other than that Katie Holmes flick that bombed where
I played The President. I was a good president. And Katie Holmes was a good
daughter too. Have you seen it?
Huh? “Neo?” Speak
clearer. I can’t hear you. Did you say “Neo-Con?” In that case, no, the
president I played was not a “Neo-Con.”
Ajooce the deeyaal.
Ajooce the deeyaal. Ajooce the deeyaal.
Oh! There you are! So, what did you say, after all? All I needed was to
adjust the little dial on the left, here. It upped the amount of static. You
are now coming in clear as a glass water! Golly, this thing is so cool!
Nothing. I didn’t say anything. I just want to reiterate that this film you
starred in was responsible for my recent demise…and that you need to get a
statickier White Noise Machine. Try Best Buy. I think they’re on sale,
All I need to do is finish this conversation with you. No more EVP for me,
after that. This is way too creepy. Now that you’ve stated the cause for
your death and I can gratefully tell your parents that I basically killed
you, can you please make some suggestions for White Noise so that
Geoffrey Sax, the director of the film, can more easily make an Unrated
(“SCARIER!”) Cut, come time for its DVD release.
“SCARIER” cut!? Are you joking me? The movie will never be scary. The
material is pathetic and the climax involves three ghost-like shadows and
the terror that they inflict via White Noise. How could that ever make for a
Alright; I get it. You can go to hell because my movie was kick-ass,
wet-your-pants frightening. Or, wait, are you already there? Hey, where is
White Noise Central, anyway? I’ve spent many sleepless nights contemplating
Oh, you’ll find out. You’ll find out right now.
Keaton’s body was found at 4:04:47 PM (PST) on January 26. 2004, seemingly
unharmed, but free of life. He was pronounced dead later that day. The case
seemed strikingly similar to that of Danny Baldwin. Further investigations
of Electric Voice Phenomenon will ensue. The likely-upcoming film, Gray
Noise, will tell us more about the horrible effects of misusing EVP and
the spiritual encounters it may provoke.
-Danny, Bucket Reviews
(Posted in 12.28.2004-2.5.2005 Update)
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