Hey, everybody,
it’s time to get out your pajamas, your carton of Haagen Daas
ice cream, and your sentimental Oprah-adoring state of mind and
watch a movie about Taliban’s generation-long military
occupation of Afghanistan! You’ll laugh a bit, you’ll cry a lot,
and you’ll come to realize that the Middle East has been every
bit the big, bad place that you had assumed it to be for a very
long time! In fact, along the way, you may even pick up some
Dari, the native language of Afghanistan, which is readily
spoken throughout the film. But don’t worry – you won’t have to
read too many subtitles if you don’t want to: there’s lots of
action to distract the characters from talking and, when blessed
with the proper American setting, sometimes they even speak
English! Not to mention, the plot is so conventional anyway that
you really don’t have to listen to the dialogue to know what’s
going on!
Still not
interested just yet? Well, I’m about to offer up a seal of
quality that you will not be able to ignore. Remember how, in
the beginning of this review, we established that you are
currently in an “Oprah-adoring state of mind?” Well, guess what?
The movie is The Kite Runner, and it’s adapted from one
of the best books read by Oprah’s Book Club! So don’t fret: if
Oprah likes it, you’ll like it. On this note, make sure that you
vote for Barack Obama in the upcoming Democratic Primary (you
are Democrats, aren’t you?), because Oprah endorses his
nomination for President! We all know that what Oprah says,
whether it involve great contemporary literature or great
contemporary politicians, is unquestionably and unequivocally
correct!
If you still
aren’t sold on the movie, I will describe its tear-jerking plot
for you so that you will understand what an epic ride The
Kite Runner just is. The first act introduces the viewer (that
could be you!) to two boys, Amir (Zekeria Ebrahimi) and
Hassan (Ahmad Khan Mahmidzada). Amir is the son of a wealthy
landowner and Hassan is the son said landowner’s servant. The
two get along—Amir is consistently impressed by the fact that
Hassan is the best “kite runner” in their hometown of Kabul,
Afghanistan—despite their strong class differences. But one day,
Amir witnesses Hassan being beat up by a gang of local bullies
and finds himself unable to report the crime because of his
perception of their class distinction. Amir commits a sleazy act
that ensures that Hassan and his father leave the servant-job,
allowing him to no longer have to deal with the guilt provoked
by his concealment of the bullying-event. Shortly afterwards,
Afghanistan erupts into the very war-torn chaos that led to the
Taliban coming to power. Amir and his dad are able to flee Kabul
for America; Hassan and his father are not so lucky.
The rest of
The Kite Runner, which I dare not spoil, follows adult
Amir’s return to Kabul after living in America for over twenty
years. It’s really emotional and just downright good! In
fact, I got really choked up and teary-eyed just writing about
the movie during the last paragraph. It’s just… so crazy to see
how horrible the Taliban was. And it’s really hard to see how
Amir treated Hassan, who really loved him, just because he was
poor! I mean, I saw it in a theatre and I forgot to bring my
tissues. This caused my plethora of tears to leak down onto my
pants. When I left the theatre, the usher thought that I had
peed my pants because my pants were so wet! That’s how much
this movie will make you cry! But you’ll cry in a good way… like
a “we can all feel good because now we know that we can somehow
make the world a better place because we’ve seen The Kite
Runner!”-kind of way. It’s really powerful to know this.
Now, there is
one pretty big problem that I have with the movie: director Marc
Forster (the German guy who did that really cool Johnny Depp
movie Finding Neverland) uses a straightforward,
Classical style in presenting it. It really brings too much
emotional intimacy and “deep” quietness to the story. I was
already affected by the mere idea of the plot—people
being killed by the Taliban—so I wanted some big explosions or
some wacky handheld camera or maybe even different actors
playing the characters (like in that movie about Bob Dylan
that’s out now but I still haven’t seen) to spice things up. All
three of these styles could have made the movie an even more
wonderful experience with even more emotional layers! When films
are done in a style that’s merely “nice,” the only people who
pick up on the real depth behind the seemingly straightforward
material are NYU Film School Students! And given that I’m a
total Everyman, I need something wilder to think about –
something to totally give my mind a good fucking! Kinda like
that weird brain-twister that I didn’t understand called
Southland Tales, which was made by the same guy who did
Donnie Darko. Maybe that guy should’ve directed The Kite
Runner instead of Forster.
Still, I don’t
want to dwell on The Kite Runner’s single flaw. There’s a
lot more good stuff about it that I could talk about. But I
wouldn’t want this review to get too long because you
might be reading it so long that you would miss the next
showtime of the movie at your local theatre! So let me mention
the great performances and I’ll get out of your face. Everybody
in the movie is absolutely wonderful! From kid actors Ebrahimi
and Mahmidzada to grown-up actors Shaun Toub and Ali Dinesh, the
cast feels totally real in their roles. (They made sure to get
genuine Arabs to play the characters so that we didn’t have to
deal with the disbelief of a white or a black actor playing the
role with Arab makeup, too, which is an added bonus.) So, yeah,
now that I’m done talking about the acting, I’ll do what I said
I would and get out of your face. Just make sure that you go see
The Kite Runner today! It’s Oprah approved!
-Danny Baldwin,
Bucket Reviews
Review Published
on: 12.16.2007
Screened on:
11.15.2007 at the Landmark Hillcrest Cinemas in San Diego, CA.
The Kite Runner is rated PG-13 and runs
122 minutes.
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