Do you think
you’d find the image of three catheters extending from a guy’s
pelvis funny? Wait, before you respond, there’s more! Get this:
the guy’s name is “Horsedick.MPEG”, and he’s a celebrity.
Laughing yet? But he’s played by Craig Robinson of Pineapple
Express and “The Office” fame! Robinson’s always
funny, right?
You’re not
even chuckling? Well I didn’t either when I saw that big
third-act pay-off gag in Miss March, a humorless,
low-budget disaster that Fox—under its prized Searchlight
label, no less—has insanely decided to give a wide release. What exactly
the studio saw in the movie—I can only imagine a pitch along the
lines of “It’ll be our R-rated Napoleon Dynamite!”—we’ll
never know.
Other than
Robinson, Miss March has no stars. It comes from the
comedy troupe “The Whitest Kids U Know,” which has its own show
on IFC, but I doubt the picture will earn the channel any new
subscribers.
The plot
comes right from the straight-to-DVD American Pie
spin-off playbook. When Miss March opens, we watch
high-school nerd Eugene (Zach Cregger) as he preps to lose his
virginity to girlfriend Cindi (Raquel Alessi), who’s
disproportionately more attractive in the way that only the
movies will allow. But not so fast. While Cindi waits up in the
bedroom, a drunk Eugene falls in a freak accident that lands him
in a four-year coma.
When Eugene
wakes up in the hospital, only best-bud Tucker (Trevor Moore) is
there by his side. His father has left the state and the
once-pure Cindi is now—duh duh duh—a nude model for Playboy
magazine. Desperate to get his girlfriend back, Eugene joins
porn-aficionado Tucker on a cross-country road-trip to
California’s Playboy Mansion to find Cindi at Hef’s biggest
bash.
Along the
way, all of the expected R-rated misadventures ensue. But
Miss March is a lot more offensive than the average low-rent
skin-flick—and not just because those behind the movie had the
gall to rip ticket-buyers off by providing it a
somewhat-credible theatrical release. (Had the movie gone
straight to DVD, I would’ve never seen it and would’ve
considered it harmless.) Miss March’s true vileness rests
in the fact that the movie’s entire purpose is to be foul. Every
step of the way—from the inciting incident to the inevitable
Playboy Mansion-set finale—Cregger and Moore (who wrote and
directed in addition to acting) try to be as offensive as
possible for no other reason than to be offensive. The
language is filthy, the physical gags are gross—and none of it
is funny. I’m all for political incorrectness and raunch when
they’re done right, but Cregger and Moore assume that these
features are automatically funny, much like teenagers obsessed
with fart and gay jokes. If the catheter gag I opened this
review with didn’t strike you as hilarious, then you’re sure to
find the rest of Miss March downright revolting.
Beyond the
uninspired, irritating content and the obnoxious delivery,
Miss March has only one thing left: half-naked, attractive
women. And when you realize you can get that for free on the
Internet, minus all of the insufferable extra baggage, you also
realize there’s no reason for the movie to exist, let alone
receive a wide release. If you’re by chance actually looking for
a quality comedy involving Playboy, look no further than
last year’s The House Bunny, which actually showed an
understanding of wit and taste.
-Danny Baldwin,
Bucket Reviews
Review Published
on: 3.11.2009
Screened on:
2.19.2009 at the UltraStar Mission Valley 7 in San Diego, CA.
Miss March is rated R and runs 89
minutes.
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