RETROSPECTIVE Raiders of the Lost Ark Starring: Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, Paul Freeman, Ronald Lacey, John Rhys-Davies Directed by: Steven Spielberg Produced by: Frank Marshall Written by: Lawrence Kasdan, George Lucas, Phillip Kaufman Distributed By: Paramount Pictures

 

     I recently sat down with the man himself, Indiana Jones, and, boy, did he have a lot to say! This is one action/adventure hero that’s been living it up for years and years. I can’t believe he still does what he does. It’s so super-de-duper-de-cool! And you can bet your top dollar on that, folks, anyways, here is the transcription of our little interview of sorts. It may shock and awe you, but this is the cold hard truth. Just the way it really is:

 

DANNY: Hello, Mr. Jones. May I call you Indiana?

INDY: No, good sir. Call me…Indy.
DANNY: Alright, then. I feel so at home with you already.

INDY: Well, I guess I’m just that kind of guy.

DANNY: Indeed, as we saw in Raiders of the Lost Ark, you’re just likeable, eh?

INDY: Oh, don’t rely on flattery. I simply do what I do.

DANNY: And how would you describe what you do?

INDY: Oh, it’s really nothing. Kick a few bad guys, don’t let them get away, save some people…

DANNY: Just like we saw in Raiders?

INDY: Raiders, Raiders, the lost ark. Ah, you make me feel so…nostalgic.

DANNY: Is that a good thing, Mr. Jones? I mean, Indy?

INDY: It’s alright, I guess, seeing that I haven’t kicked butt in a while.

DANNY: Oh, how tragic!

INDY: Tell me about it. But when the world needs me, I’ll do what I do?

DANNY: You said you did “nothing?”

INDY: You and I both know I do a lot more than that.

DANNY: Oh? Is there a lady involved?

INDY: No, not that you measly boy! I kick butt. You know that.

DANNY: Raiders?

INDY: Raiders.

DANNY: You know, I used to think that that was a great movie.

INDY: Used to?

DANNY: Yes, used to.

INDY: Explain yourself, dear villain.

DANNY: Well, I popped your new special edition DVD into my player the other night, and I didn’t see the magic. When that theme music began to play, my eyes weren’t sparkling, my senses weren’t acute. I didn’t feel touched by your heroicness like I used to.

INDY: Oh, God help you! It’s that Disneyland ride! I knew letting them use the theme song as patrons rode it was a dumb move. Now you don’t like my movie!

DANNY: It’s not that I don’t like it, Mr. Jones.

INDY: Indy.

DANNY: Indy, sorry Indy.

INDY: Well, you know, even though the adventure I went on during Raiders in my mind, and that of everyone else, was amazing, another type of action might work for you. It’s a little doomier.

DANNY: Yes, The Temple of Doom is my favorite film in the trilogy now.

INDY: Aw, lets get back to Raiders.

DANNY: Let’s not.

INDY: Yes, because there, I’m wonderful. I’m alive.

DANNY: I thought you said it was in Doom you were at the top of your game?

INDY: Are you kidding? I apologize, but that picture has made me what I am.

DANNY: Don’t you think that the master Steven Spielberg brushed ‘ya up a little in it?

INDY: No. Screw him.

DANNY: Sir, he’s made you what you are. Not even you can deny that.

INDY: No, he’s a minor contributor to my loveliness.

DANNY: You’re not Indy! Take off that mask you sonofabitch!
INDY: I am Indy and I’m in full gear. Just like in Raiders.

DANNY: No. Raiders is a picture that merely stands by itself. The other two movies you made were so much better. You must admit that!

INDY: I will not. I was hot there. In Doom I was a simple figure, victimized by the MPAA. My sole purpose was to create a PG-13 rating in the system!

DANNY: Don’t you like the PG-13 rating, though?

INDY: No! It suggests that kicking butt requires parental guidance for kiddies under thirteen!

DANNY: But doesn’t it, Mr. Jones?

INDY: No, goddammit! No!

DANNY: Why are you so un-Indy-like in person?

INDY: Because I’m me. I was a true man in Raiders of the Lost Ark. People adored me.

DANNY: I didn’t adore you. That kind of admiration came later on during the trilogy, as I previously explained.

INDY: Ah, well at least you have caught on in time for my new movie, to be released in 2005.

DANNY: And I will be seeing it. Don’t get me wrong, Raiders is a good film. I just don’t think it’s a great one.

INDY: Be that as it may. Think as you will. Your self-indulgence is merely futile to me.

DANNY: My self-indulgence.

INDY: I’m not self-indulgent. I’m a hero.

DANNY: Go off and do something heroic.

INDY: Maybe I will.

DANNY: Fine.

INDY: Fine.
 

(Exit to the Indiana Jones theme music, which now only works well on the Disneyland ride).

 

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-Danny Baldwin, Bucket Reviews