The vivacious Lindsay Lohan confronts the camera with her fluffy, expensive hairdo and writes a love letter to everything that ‘tweenage girls stand for in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, disregarding the fact that there isn’t a shred of plausibility in the film’s plot, and simply allowing her performance to flow. Amusingly, though, everyone living will be able to identify with the main character in this collage of perkiness, despite the fact that the style director Sara Sugarman uses will leave those who aren’t twelve years old and bearing double X chromosomes disappointed. Instead of actually dealing with the issues that the likeable characters face in the various contrived situations in the movie, as the masterful The Girl Next Door did, the makers of Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen have taken the easy way out. The audience will not experience any emotion during its duration. Rather, they will be bombarded with sketches that come close to music video status and a ho-hum focus on glitz and glam. Slap me, now, please.

     But, as much as I loathe the way in which Sugarman decided to carry out the flick’s story, I must be honest and admit to the fact that I enjoyed most of the pointlessness of the endeavor. It’s truly unfortunate that, after viewing it, most moviegoers’ euphoria will be instantly terminated, and their addiction to the fluffy material will not be rewarded with repeat viewings of Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. All their extra ticket money will be able to buy is further withdrawal. Lohan’s character, Mary, who likes to be referred to as Lola, embodies a plotline that will only feel fun the first time. Most theatre patrons will actually want to try as hard as they possibly can to forget it, once they come to realizing that it is nothing but a piece of lackluster filmmaking. As Lola, the drama queen the title refers to, moves from New York to New Jersey, and she and a newfound friend lead a mission to see their favorite band’s farewell concert, the abundance in excitement is only temporary. A quality movie will generate good memories, and this is something that Confessions of a Drama Queen certainly does not do.

     I could relate to the social dynamics Lola experienced in the film, as well as her avid addictions to various forms of art, and this is surely what kept me interested in it. In addition to such, the few hysterical one-liners almost made me buy into Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen’s gimmick. But, even with such a strong ambition to raise the bar for pictures of its kind, I’m still nowhere near tempted to recommend it to anyone besides its target demographic. Lindsay Lohan is terrific at sparkling in barren projects, but, as with the recent Mean Girls, not even she and her cast members can improve the dullness of the script. There are some ideas worth pondering in this outing, but she still seems to be stuck in a mold of conventionality. Lohan is in need of another Freaky Friday to save her from being just another teenage face in the maze of Hollywood, and I think she knows that. Whether she’ll do something about such is an entirely different question.

-Danny, Bucket Reviews (7.24.2004)