I am
devastatingly sad, as well as profusely mad that the first
official 2003 release that I have seen, might be the worst.
Kangaroo Jack is not only an exercise in
stupidity, unintelligence, crudeness, and gross antics, but
a sexually driven attempt to drive young children insane. It
sounds silly that a movie about a kangaroo that steals an
envelope full of money could be so obscene, but I really do
believe that this should be “PG-13” rated. After a man grabs
a wild-life lover’s breasts, takes a bath with her in the
Australian hot-springs, and talks about masturbation over
one-hundred times, I shudder to think what is going on in
little children’s heads. Jerry Bruckheimer films are always
wretchedly terrible, but Kangaroo Jack was one
of the most unintentionally petrifying experiences that I’ve
had at the cinema in years. The half-a-bucket that the film
does actually earn is rightfully deserved. Unlike
Federal Protection, Kangaroo Jack actually
attempts to try to make a complete flick. This almost seems
to make it even more horrid. I hope, for this film’s sake,
that a worse movie comes along in the next year. Even though
this seems like it would be cinematically impossible, if
this movie ever is released, I will most likely die before
walking out of the theatre. I almost went into a coma after
having the displeasure of viewing Kangaroo Jack.
To
accompany this uniquely terrible disaster, comes its bad
acting, production, direction, and special effects. Jerry
O’Connell, who was once a charming performer, loses whatever
respect I may have had for him previous to the release of
this movie. He used to use his excellent facial expressions
to better each of his roles, but in Kangaroo Jack
they are stupid, vile, and often even embarrassing. His
character leaves us so incredibly uncomfortable, we aren’t
even cheering for him. We look at him as a maniac with an
unusually abnormal sexual appetite. Anthony Anderson’s
talents are useless with his terribly written and clichéd
character. I have never seen such a racist personality in a
children’s film, but “Louis Fucci” is very accepting of this
title. He plays the typical black man, who jokes around
about how cocky, unintelligent, and unappealing Caucasians
are. I began to agree with him after seeing all of the dorky
white characters in Kangaroo Jack though, and
not many other people wouldn’t. Another terrible effort
comes from Estella Warren, who is everything but sexy in
this film. She has no chemistry with Jerry O’Connell,
whatsoever, even though charisma isn’t something that should
be proposed in a film intended for five year-olds.
Kangaroo Jack can’t even be saved by the star of the
show, Kangaroo Jack, himself. This marsupial lacks the
undeniable charm that “Scooby Doo” had in his self-titled
movie. Mix these wretched aspects of the film with some
terrible editing, hazy sound, and choppy special effects,
and you have your self the perfect recipe for failure and
disaster. Kangaroo Jack has too much of both of
these things to even be called humane.
This
is an obnoxiously overbearing comedy about a dimwittedly
stupid bunch of characters that live in the most superficial
of worlds. I am not sure why such a great mass of talents
lended their excellence to such an inane film, produced by
Jerry Bruckheimer, the worst filmmaker ever.
This is just a giant mess of absolutely no substance, full
of stupid, unfunny antics that make viewers literally
cringe. I hate all of the performances, ways of staging, and
ugly pieces of comedy. The worst part of this film is its
unbearable script, with no life or color. As each fart joke
passes, and cheap laughs are exchanged between simple-minded
viewers, no one in the audience feels any remote sense of
charm. Every move that this film makes, and every word said
by any character is outwitted in some way. It’s almost
enjoyable to warn readers of the extremity of this film’s
horridness. Two more hours of this cinematic atrocity -- and
I would’ve put a bullet through my head. This will probably
turn out to be the worst movie of 2003; it is definitely one
of the most horrible of all time. I was seriously frightened
by it. Spare yourself from staying up with the kids, of
night after night of bad dreams. Kangaroo Jack
is, literally, scary.
-Danny, Bucket Reviews